Just Stay Calm

So today I came home with such a heavy heart. Teaching middle school is challenging! Teaching middle school in an urban setting – surrounded by poverty, drugs, fights, absent parents, etc) is even more challenging. It is a tough, but at times a rewarding gig. But some days….

This afternoon I had, in my opinion, a less than pleasant interaction with a co-worker and it has really brought me down. Six hours later I am still carrying around the weight of feeling disrespected and I can’t seem to shake it.

And as I sit here, I’m thinking things like “I really need to find another job” or “Just wait until I see her next week and tell her what I really think about her.” But here’s the problem with both of those thoughts. I don’t want to find another job. That school is my own mission field. I am certain that God hand-picked me for this place. And I know that in very small ways I share Jesus with them by just loving on them. And I’m not going to tell her anything that is not of God…because as a Christ follower I am to reflect Christ in all of my actions and words. And what on really think is maybe she was having a lousy day. Maybe she is dealing with more than I know. Maybe she needs someone to share Gods love with her.

It’s amazing what happens when I stop trying to manage life on my own and actually let go and let God show me what my life should look like. God speaks to me in so many ways. Today, in the midst of my struggles, my husband sent me this verse…”The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” Exodus 14:14. It was precisely what I needed to hear. And though it came in the form of a text message from Brian, I’m certain that God placed Brian in my life to journey with me through this life. As I sit here and type I am enveloped In sense of calm and comfort. I’m certain that God is here with me…”For God has said,’I will never fail you.I will never abandon you.’”

I know that in each and every encounter God is teaching me a lesson, helping me grow, or simply displaying His love for me. I am grateful for the tears that flow from trying times, because I know that out of those tears come joy. And while there are days that I question my place in such a challenging school, I know that this is God’s plan for me. God called me to this place to do good.

1 Peter 2:21 “For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps.”

So hard to forget

Why is it so easy to remember all the bad stuff and so easily forget the good? Sometimes, I get overwhelmed with negative feelings and regrets from the past that I know that are gone…they have been taken away by the blood of Jesus…but I won’t let them go. Why do those feelings resurface so quickly when things get tough? I know and believe with all of my heart each promise that God makes me in the Bible. I believe that I have been made new in him and that I am daily being transformed into the person he wants me to be. So why don’t those feelings – feelings of pride and of being loved unconditionally by my Heavenly Father surface first when life gets tough? Eventually my mind and heart get there, but typically, my first reactions are negative…I’m not good enough, not worthy, etc. I am told through his holy word that God keeps no record of wrongs. I am promised that because of the sacrifice that Christ made for me that I can stand holy and righteous before God. So then why can’t I let all of the past go? Why is it so hard to forget? The devil really knows how to find and play with our weaknesses. He looks at me and says, “I just need to remind her that she’s never felt like she measures up…she’s not worthy.” And he jumps in and grabs hold. Why does his voice sometimes ring louder than the voice of the Holy Spirit who lives within me and guides me every day? I know that I am a beloved child of God. I know that He is stronger than the devil and that he is my guide. I know that I DO NOT have to live with the shame of past mistakes! I guess I just need to let the devil know – loud and clear – that MY GOD loved me even while I was still a sinner and that His love never fails. I need to stop allowing the devil to speak negativity into my world by listening more closely to the voice of the sweet spirit dwelling in me. I have to be the one to forget the hard stuff….cause God already has.

Dear God,

Please forgive me when I listen to the whispers of doubt that play with my mind and my heart. Thank you for loving me enough to save me from myself. I worship and adore you! And I know that you are working in my life each day, and that through that work I continue to grow in your love.

Amen.

Shh... your heart is speaking

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Conviction. How often do you think of this word in your life? Maybe not at all and if you hear the word you may automatically think of what happens to a criminal. They are proven guilty. A verdict and feeling that we all want to avoid. Another definition for the word conviction is a firmly held belief or an opinion. One that brings less of a harsh connotation and one that we maybe able to begin to discuss more freely with each other.

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My fab five

Much like many other women out there, I wear many hats throughout my day. I teach middle school in an urban setting. During the course of a typical day at school, I am a teacher, counselor, nurturer, referee, social worker, and judge (just to name a few). At the end of the school day, I then switch to my mom hat, which is not “just” mom. It often is interchanged with hats such as taxi driver, equipment manager, tutor, cook, etc. (I’m certainly not unique in this as you other moms know). And certainly not least – but unfortunately sometimes last, I am a wife, a best friend, a daughter, and a sister. Most importantly…I’m always a child of God (a hat that is NEVER removed – but worn with every other hat I wear). I can’t say I have a “favorite” hat…because I love so many of the facets of my life and the roles I play. But one of the best things about being me is my role as mama. It is one of my greatest honors to have been blessed with my children. I have 5 of them. I gave birth to 2 of them, and the other 3 were gifts that came with my wonderful husband, Brian. We don’t use the word “step” in our family. God blessed us with 5 children to care for, and disciple, and nurture and the greatest of all – to love. I would like to share a little bit about each of my children today – about who they are and why they are so special to me.

Savannah is our oldest. At 16 she is, in many ways, mature beyond her years. She is extremely intelligent (smarter than me), and fiercely independent. She does not follow others, but does her own thing without worrying about what anyone else thinks. She is beautiful inside and out.

Zach is 15 and is so good at it. He has been gifted with amazing athletic talent and shows himself as a leader in many ways on the playing field and in the hallways. Zach doesn’t do anything halfway. He feels things very deeply and is super expressive. He is becoming an amazing man.

Shelby is 14 and is a stunning young lady. She is our nurturer. Someday Shelby is going to be a fantastic mother. Shelby is always helping around the house (without being asked) and likes to take care of others. Shelby’s heart for those less fortunate is beautiful. And she is the resident fashionista!

Carty is 12 and is the youngest girl. Carty is one of a kind! She’s witty, and very quick to speak her mind. She can be girly and cute as can be one minute, and then she can step onto the soccer field and play harder than anyone out there and be tough as nails. She is also the snuggler of the group. She is growing into a beautiful young lady.

The baby of the family is Nicolas. He rounds out the crew at 8 years old. Nicholas is energy. All of the time. He goes and goes and goes. He is our trooper. No matter where we go or what we do, Nicholas goes along, never complaining. He is his daddy’s little man – always trying to be just like Brian. Not to mention he is simply adorable.

That’s my family. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for these 5 blessings. I am so honored and humbled that He has given them to my care. On this Mother’s Day, I am overwhelmed with pride and joy. Thank you God for each of these beautiful lives you have entrusted to me.

You become what you behold.

Brian and I have 5 kids. Three teenagers. One tween. And one still young enough to like us. The four older ones love their music. Brian and me…not so much. Sometimes I feel like that old person I swore I would never become…recalling the good old days when music was real music. But I have to say…some of the stuff our kids tend to want to listen to is just garbage. Since we married a few months ago and are all now sharing one house we have laid down guidelines about what will be acceptable in our house as far as music and movies. The kids have not bucked us – too much. Our approach was not to yell and scream and just simply tell them we don’t like the music. Rather we have tried to make them really think about what the lyrics in their music represent. The lesson to them has been what you put into your mind is what you eventually begin to think on and speak. Garbage in, garbage out. This thought process isn’t just for our kids, though. We as adults are also bombarded with so much. Constant information, images, status updates,and tweets feed our brains. They help shape and determine our thoughts. And it can be very easy to let all of that noise infiltrate our hearts. In 2 Corinthians, we read that “Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.” I believe that Satan uses the veil of this constant noise to keep us from seeing God and a better way for ourselves. However, if we allow that veil to be removed through God’s endless grace, then we begin to see things differently. And then, we eventually become what we behold. “But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. “For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.” As we live with our sights set on God and his glory, we change. Our minds are renewed, our hearts are changed. About 6 months ago, Brian and I got rid of a lot of the “noise” that was feeding us in ways that we knew weren’t reflecting the Lord and his will for us. The change has been amazing and we have drawn closer to each other and to God in our daily walk. We pray daily that we will be able to influence our kids to learn to take in less of the world and become new creatures in Christ. After all, you become what you behold. 

 

Grudge match

Have you ever had a disagreement with someone that you tried to resolve but they just wouldn’t let it go? If you’re breathing and have a heart beat, the answer is probably yes. There is much teaching in the Bible about this type of situation and how it should be handled by each responsible party. So why don’t we follow that guidance like we follow other parts of the Bible. I’m pretty certain we aren’t allowed to just pick and choose which parts we will live by and which parts we just will skim over because they make us uncomfortable. We are told that if we have wronged someone -a brother or sister in Christ-we are to go to them, confess our wrongs, and ask for forgiveness. Okay God…what happens when we do that, in all sincerity, with true remorse, and that person refuses to forgive? Colossians 3:13 tells us to “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” This is not just a recommendation guys. There is a “must” in there. My husband is such a Godly leader of our home, and he is so disciplined at diving into God’s word. And he is a thinker. Lately his saying has been “You either believe, or you don’t believe.” Seems like a simple statement…but it’s really insightful. Do you believe that God created the heavens and earth? Do you believe in a guy named Jonah who lived in the belly of a fish for three days? Do you believe in Lazarus who was raised from the dead? If we believe any of this, we must believe all of it. And if we believe, then we must follow, trust and obey. Now, are we all going to be perfect? No way. But we should be trying every day to walk in the light, as He is in the light. We must listen and be guided by the Holy Spirit.

Asking for forgiveness is a hard thing. Forgiving is hard too. Trying to take the high road and accept that someone whom you have gone to in love and asked for forgiveness may simply NOT forgive is even harder. Who are you refusing to forgive? How tightly are you holding onto that grudge? We cannot let these things become stumbling blocks in our walk of faith. If you are holding that grudge, let it go. Stop carrying that weight around and forgive. “But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.” Mark 11:25 If you are the one who has been shunned by another…pray for that person. Jesus tells us…”But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike.”

God, please forgive us when we let our pride get in the way and refuse to forgive others. Lord help us if we are holding grudges, help us to let go. Lord let us learn to forgive others even when they won’t forgive us. We know your Word is holy and divine God. Help us to remember that it is not up to us to choose which parts of it to follow. Guide us in our walk with you and give us the strength to live the abundant life you have promised us. In the sweet name of Jesus, Amen.

Willing to Yield

Have you ever pulled up to a four way stop at the same exact time that another car has? And then you and the other driver awkwardly sit and look at each other waiting for the other one to go. S then you both start to giant the same time…more awkwardness. Followed by each of you waving the other driver on-at the same time. Now what? So you both start to move again….and the awkwardness soars to a new high. (Or am I the only person on earth who experiences these types of awkward occurrences?) Typically, in these situations, I am the driver who is willing to yield to the other driver and wait. I’m also the weirdo in the grocery who will let someone go in front of me if they have fewer things in their cart….so that I don’t hold them up with my overflowing cart of groceries. I yield to total strangers. And that’s easy, and it feels good. So then why is it sometimes so stinking hard to yield to those around us that we love. Not just in small, superficial ways…but in the big meaningful ways. If we truly love and care about someone, shouldn’t we yield to them. The dictionary defines yield as to give up, surrender, or submit. This can have so many meanings in our every day lives. Within the boundaries of our own families, are we yielding to each other? Do we hold out for what our selfish nature desires, or do we surrender to what is good for the whole family? Am I holding a grudge based on my hurt feelings, or am I giving them up in hope that relationships may be restored and grow? Do we submit ourselves to what God requires of us or do we attempt to maintain control and do it our way? Relationships are difficult. They are dynamic and challenging, but so vital and rewarding.

And if we (talking mostly to me) have trouble at times yielding to those we love…how much more difficult do we make the process of yielding to others…the poor, the homeless, forgotten. And what about our enemies!? We are commanded to love our neighbor. We are commanded to love our enemies. I believe that part of that process of love is yielding…submitting, surrendering. What if I gave up -even occasionally- my $6.00 cup of coffee (venti, quad, skinny, french vanilla latte) and blessed someone else in a small way. What if I surrendered some of my time to just sit and talk with someone who feels like they don’t matter. Am I willing to yield to others? This is a challenge that I know I am not alone in facing. I think if we were all honest, we could probably find areas that we have been less than willing to yield. Are we holding grudges over past hurts? Are we stubborn with our time, our money, even our emotions? I know that I am a work in progress and that I have many strengths but I also have many flaws. I thank God that He loves me…enough to die for me even with all my imperfections. And because of that sacrifice and my love for Him, I want to be more willing to yield.

James 3:17 But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere.

Heavy heart

There are many nights that I lie in bed trying to slow my mind down so that I can catch four or five hours sleep (at best). It often proves to be a difficult task for me to shut out all of the thoughts, to do lists, worries, and responsibilities though. But last night, it wasn’t my mind racing that I battled. Last night I was troubled beyond the typical clean ball uniform, crazy practice schedule, grades due worries. Last night my heart was full…full of anger and hurt feelings and resentment. I am human and as much as I fight those types of feelings, they attack me still. And last night they weighed so heavily on my heart that it was nearly too much for me to carry.

Too much for ME to carry…

So why am I trying to carry it alone?!?

Why is my need to be in control so strong that I don’t allow God to carry my burdens for me? Jesus tell me to come to him with my heavy burdens and he will give me rest. He doesn’t want me to struggle through life – or even through one night – carrying a load that is unbearable. I get so frustrated with myself for carrying around feelings that I know are not…good and right (for lack of better words). And so I shared my feelings and concerns with my amazing Godly husband and did my best to sleep.

When I woke up this morning and prepared my mind and heart for my daily walk in the word, I was “guided” to Galatians. To this passage in Galatians “16 So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.” In this case, my sinful nature was my thoughts and feelings of anger and resentment. But if I let the Spirit guide me that sinful nature…those ugly emotions become this…”22But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness, and self-control.”
Personally those sound like much more attractive traits to be carrying around. And the Spirit is in me because of God’s love for me. I have to get out of the way and let the Spirit lead…it comes down to my stubbornness and control. I am not capable on my own to rid myself of the sinful ugly stuff. I don’t have to be strong enough to do that because God IS strong enough.

I am so thankful for the gentle voice of the Spirit that guided my heavy heart this morning. I’m no longer carrying so much of the heavy ugly stuff…but rather I am letting the Spirit lead me as I learn to produce a new, more appealing fruit…and it’s much lighter to carry.

Comfortable like Nike Free

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Have you ever owned a pair of Nike Free shoes? Let's just say they are the most comfortable shoe I have ever worn in my life. Literally. So comfortable you don't even know you are wearing them. Kind of like our Christianity. 

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Know what you ought to do

I love the way that God works in my daily walk. He must often sit back and shake his head and roll his eyes while he waits for me to catch up with him. I wonder if he gets a good laugh at my expense when I finally get the message he’s been sending me. I’ve got to believe that he is so patient as I try to think my way through things, around in circles, and then get myself out of the way and do it his way.

Lately, Brian and I have both been feeling the tug to do something. We know that God is wanting us to reactivate our ministry and to begin to serve again as we were before. We feel our “time off” was needed in order to establish our home and minister to our new blended family, but we have both been feeling the stir. Brian is reading Steven Furtick’s book Greater, and read a section of it to me yesterday about how God calls people. Often it is with one word. To Abraham, that word was “Go”. To Peter, that word was “Come”. We then asked each other what God’s word is for us right now….we both feel like it is “Move”. Not in the “start wrapping dishes and packing boxes” way…rather in the “get out there and love on some people” sort of way. It’s time for us to move.

Ok…so we’re going to move…but what does that mean?? Could we have some sort of google directions. Maybe an instruction manual. Or better yet, God, just give us the whole plan -start to finish- so we know exactly what it looks like. How many of us don’t act because we want to big picture? God doesn’t want us to know the whole story because he wants us to step out in faith and move. He will give us what we need as we need it along the way.

We talked all evening about what this moving will look like and what it could mean and how do we get started. And we still don’t have God’s blueprint for it all, but we know we have to move. It just takes small steps to make a move. We aren’t being asked to change the world all at once…just to take a step. Just to move.

As I sat down to study this morning, I had this move thing on my mind. Still not sure of what it looks like or which direction to move in….but knowing that we have to move. I read a verse in James that has me more certain than ever that God is in control and is really speaking. James 4:17 says “Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do, and then not do it.” Ok God, I hear you loud and clear. I know that what we ought to do is to love those around us and share the gospel with them through that love. I don’t know if that means more food packages, or clothes, or what it really looks like, but I know what we ought to do. And we are going to do it! We are on the move.